Will You Still Love Me When I Struggle?

Credit: KatarzynaBialasiewicz / Thinkstock

Editor’s note: One of the biggest barriers to healing is the fear of being honest. So often, we believe that if we tell God how we really feel, he will be angry. We can go a long way toward helping others be honest with God if they are able to be honest with us and not be rejected. Our author today shares what it is like to struggle with an eating disorder and how one person’s unconditional acceptance helped her feel like she wasn’t as alone as she thought.

This is a poem I wrote over a year ago about my struggle with bulimia and anorexia. After telling my uncle about what was going on, he told me he once loved a girl who struggled with the same thing. He said it never changed how he felt about her. He gave me the courage to express all the questions that drowned my mind. I desperately needed a release from them. Once I wrote them down, I read them over and over until I learned that those lies of the enemy don’t define me. I am who I choose to be, and the people who love me will continue loving me for who I am, no matter what. It was ok for my mind to swim with questions. Not all questions have an easy answer, but that is ok too.

Hold Fast

Teach me to Hold Fast.
You too?
I thought I was the only one.
How did you do it?
Was it hard for you too?
Did you cry a lot too?
How were you there for her?
How did you not stop loving her?
How did you not stop loving me?
How do you know I’ll be OK?
How do you look at me the same?
I don’t even anymore.
My reflection is always foggy now.
But I guess you aren’t blinded by my doubts and pains and hurts and fears.
I guess that’s good.
But it’s harder for me.
You can’t understand.
I don’t either.
I guess I can’t blame you for that though.
You must think I’m crazy.
You must think I want this.
But I promise you I don’t,
I’m really scared.
I lay here crying.
No one can keep me from drowning.
Not those who are paid or those who just care or those who don’t even know.
What do I do?
What’s the plan?
What did she do?
Did she survive?
Will I survive?
What if I die trying?
Will you still love me then?
What if I can’t do this?
What if there is no light at the end of the tunnel?
What if I want to get better but I’m weak and I can’t?
He’s disappointed.
Does he not think I am too?
I guess not, but that’s ok.
It’s not his fault.
It’s no one’s fault, except maybe mine.
Is it my fault?
If it is can you lie?
Tell me who I can blame.
Is it the man in the sky?
Or the man down below, he laughs as I cry.
But that’s ok.
He doesn’t understand.


Megan Mulder is a contributor to Soul Care Collective. Thanks, Megan!

NO COMMENTS

LEAVE A REPLY